Just Pretending
by LunasSecretLover
Summary: Craig realizes that his feeling for Tweek may be something more than friendship. To get to the bottom of why he's having them, he must confront Yaoi, Asians, and even Cartman. High School AU
1. Chapter 1

Tweek Tweak and Craig Tucker walked down the street hand in hand. Out of the corner of his eye, Craig saw an older straight couple pointing at them and mouthing "aww"s at each other. He rolled his eyes and reached his free hand up into his favorite gesture. That sent the other couple quickly on their way. He still wasn't used to this whole situation with Tweek. Well, the money thing was nice. Both of them had been able to buy the new Terrance and Phillip game and new clothes. Tweek had needed that, he knew. Craig glanced at the other boy, and felt a twinge of fondness for him. Tweek had cleaned himself up quite a bit the last few months. His clothes were neater, and on some days it even appeared that he combed his hair.

They had become pretty close since being forced into this situation. Tweek was allowed to know things that other people weren't. He was trustworthy. He had even been allowed to meet Stripes the guinea pig. Although Craig was still afraid to let Tweek hold him. Small animals made Tweek jittery, and he didn't want Stripes to be dropped after a vigorous twitch. Tweek's hand was better when it was enclosed in Craig's. That way, he wouldn't cause any accidental damage or hurt himself. Craig was finding that he balanced out Tweek's anxiety with his lack of fucks given. He didn't care about much. Why care? Life was easier for him when he didn't care. Although he had to admit, he was starting to care about Tweek a little. Not in a gay way, of course. In a I-spend-all-my-waking-hours-with-you-for-money-so-we-may-as-well-be-friends kind of way. Tweek just did better when he was around. And it's hard to not care about people who are dependent on you.

South Park Elementary loomed up ahead of them. Craig sighed, knowing that he and Tweek still wouldn't be ignored. Sure enough, he saw Cartman off to the side staring at them.

"Oh my God, boo," he said to Heidi, holding his hands up to his mouth. "Look at Tweek and Craig. They are so cute. I just- I just can't even handle this, babe. I'm seriously."

Every goddamn day. Every fucking time. It never got old for Cartman. He was such a closeted douchebag. Why would a straight kid be so obsessed with a gay "relationship?"

Tweek's hand twitched in his own at the attention, and he muttered a soft "gAH, pressure!"

Craig squeezed his hand reassuringly, flipping off Cartman with the other, and Tweek calmed down again, walking with hardly any twitches. Craig was proud of how far he had come. Sometimes he made it full hours without twitching now.

"Hey, dudes," Token said. Token was one of the few guys that still talked to them like nothing had changed. Like the Asians hadn't made them gay. Craig loved him for it.

"Uh, hey, Token!" Tweek squeaked with a nervous smile, "Did you do the homework yet? I couldn't sleep, so I finished it all."

"No way, I was watching the Broncos game. It was brutal. I would have rather been doing the stupid homework," Token lamented.

"Oh, uh, I don't watch much football, but go Broncos-Gah!" Tweek said.

"Go Broncos," Craig repeated in a monotone voice. He didn't really care about football either, unless he was playing it. But Tweek looked great in his Broncos gear. He had a jersey that hung off him in all the right ways, accentuating his features and- no that sounded gay. He wasn't thinking it in a gay way, just in a friend way.

Token seemed pretty down. Craig thought about the girls' power play of breaking up with all of the guys in the school and felt like a hand was gripping his stomach for a second. He wasn't sure exactly why he cared, but he couldn't help but feel a little scared that Tweek might break up with him too. He seemed to agree with a lot of the girls' points. What if he sympathised with them too much? Although that would be good, he told himself. Then they could stop pretending to be a couple.

"How are you doing, man?" he asked, trying to distract his weird thoughts. "Nicole is a bitch for what she did to you. You deserve better." Token's face fell a little, and he looked up as if to stop himself from crying.

"I'm just fine. Just going to keep watching football and living my life without her. Even if I'm alone forever. Which I might be now. I've got to go," he said, and Craig heard a sob as he ran off towards the bathrooms.

Craig looked at Tweek. His face was scrunched up as if he were thinking hard. He looked more uneasy than usual.

"Seems like everyone's relationships are falling apart," Craig remarked, keeping his voice free of emotion.

"Yeah-Gah! Yeah they are. You won't leave me, will you, Craig? I mean, not that there is a me to leave or anything-aH sorry! But you know, you won't end this fake-AH thing, will you?" he looked at Craig anxiously, and he let go of Craig's hand to pull at his spiky blond hair with both fists. The brunette felt a wave of relief rush over him. Boy, that money must mean more to him than he originally thought for him to be so relieved that Tweek didn't want to end this… thing. The fake thing.

"No I won't end this… fake thing," Craig replied, and he saw Tweek visibly relax. The bell rang for classes to start, but they remained in the hallway. It was emptying out now.

"Good. Err-not that I care. But the money has been-aRgh, nice. I mean. New clothes and what not." Tweek trailed off, looking like he wanted to say something else. Craig stared into his eyes, noticing for the first time what a good color they were. Blue, that matched his Broncos jersey. He should tell Tweek to wear that more often. To bring out his eyes. Tweek wasn't twitching at all now. He was smiling up at Craig, leaning up against a locker. Craig felt the need to reassure him a little more; he liked seeing Tweek calm like this.

"Tweek, I like you," Craig said neutrally, "and I don't mind pretending to be gay with you because with you it doesn't feel like being gay. It just feels like being with you."

Tweek gave him a small grin at that.

"I like being with you too, Craig," he muttered. "I feel something with you. Something I've never felt before. You make me feel… brave. And-GAH- and other things." He trailed off, looking nervous again.

Craig felt a sudden weird urge. He wanted to kiss Tweek. He wasn't sure why. It was a weird feeling for him to be having. Probably just all the pressure from all of their peers and superiors to be gay. But he didn't like to suppress his urges. There was no one around to see them now. And this would just be pretend too, of course. It wouldn't like mean anything. He leaned down to where the blond was standing, pulling Tweek's hips up against his own and pressed his lips to Tweek's. Tweek let out a surprised "GAH," but then he returned the kiss. His lips were trembling a little, from excess caffeine or nerves, Craig wasn't sure. But he liked it. He stuck his tongue into Tweek's mouth, and let it meet Tweek's. Craig broke the kiss first and looked down at him.

"Helps us get in character," he explained. Tweek nodded shyly, and leaned up to kiss him again. This time they didn't stop. Craig was feeling Tweek's body with him up against the wall, feeling him trembling like a leaf underneath him, feeling himself give Tweek the stability to stay upright as they fell into each other. They only broke apart when they heard the threatening voice of PC Principal in the background, asking if they needed to have another talk about affirmative consent.


	2. Chapter 2

"Now boys, I'm glad you've overcome your internalized homophobia and taken the first steps towards beginning a beautiful relationship the likes of which only two men can enjoy, ok? I think what you're doing is stunning and brave. But I think we need to have another talk about affirmative consent now that you've taken steps towards starting a physical relationship," PC Principal said, staring at Tweek and Craig.

"Now Craig, I saw you kissing Tweek up against a locker, and I didn't hear you ask him if that would be alright. Let's practice some ways to get affirmative consent, ok? Craig, I want you to think about wanting to push Tweek up against a locker and kissing him firmly but gently. Now, if you want to do that, you have to make sure that Tweek is ok with it first, alright? So you might ask him, 'Tweek, I'd like to push you up against a locker and ravish your sweet bod. Would that be alright with you?' And Tweek, you could reply with something like 'Yes you may push me up against a locker and ravish my sweet bod," or "No, you may not ravish my sweet bod at this time.'"

He stared at them expectantly and said, "Do you understand? Let's practice. Craig, let's start with you."

Craig glared up at the ceiling. He wasn't gay. And even if he was, which he definitely was not, he wouldn't want to be having this humiliating conversation about his sexuality with someone old enough to be his dad. His middle finger twitched, dying to be let free, but Craig resisted the urge for now. Flipping of PC Principal would probably led to a longer conversation about his genitalia.

Through gritted teeth, not looking at Tweek, he said, "Tweek, may I push you up against a locker."

"And ravish your hot bod," PC Principal prompted, calmly.

"I'm not gay, PC Principal," Craig protested angrily.

"Craig, it's perfectly fine to be gay or not to be gay, ok? But these are important skills for everyone to have when they enter into a sexual relationship."

"GAH sexual relationship? What the hell, man? This isn't a sexual relationship! ARgh-Asians. Asians made-RaH too much pressure!" Tweek was shaking again. He was angry or afraid this time, and Craig found himself wanting to hug the shorter boy to calm him down. That wouldn't be gay, would it?

"Craig, I need you to practice asking for affirmative consent, please. Ask Tweek if you can ravish his hot bod," PC Principal said doggedly.

"Tweek, may I ravish your hot bod," Craig said, his eyes back on the ceiling.

"NO YOU MAY NOT RAVISH MY HOT BOD. GAH!" Tweek exclaimed angrily.

"Alright, good job, boys, we took some good steps today. Just remember what we talked about today, ok? And have fun. We can talk about protection and safety next time."

Craig felt his face burning a bright red. He knew Tweek's must be as well, but he didn't look to see. He stormed out of the office and finally let both of his middle fingers fly free, flipping off the classrooms and lockers around him in an attempt to gain some control back. He did feel better. Tweek rushed up beside him.

"Dude, AH-wait up!" Tweek said, huffing. "This isn't going to stop. This is never going to stop. I mean, we're not-GAH, gay right? I mean I'm not gay, are you gay?"

Craig sighed in exasperation.

"I'M not gay! I want chicks, man! I don't like guys."

Tweek looked slightly disappointed for a second, but the next his face was angry and stressed again. Craig was sure he'd imagined it.

"Alright, good!" the blond said, "Then we have to track down the people who did this, Craig. We can't keep acting like this, and acting-GAH, gay. What if the Asians actually made us kind of gay, Craig? This is WAY too much pressure! ARgh, you kissed me, Craig! That's gay! AH! PRESSURE! But you're not gay. And I'm not gay. The Asians have us under some kind of spell. And we have taken it way too far-AH for money!"

Craig thought about it. It did make sense. He had never had anything close to feelings for a guy before the Asians started drawing their stupid pictures of him and Tweek. Maybe they had used their collective Asian powers to cast a spell on him and make him feel actually gay? Not that they had really made him gay. But things that mimicked gayness, like his love of holding Tweek's hand. Or feeling him trembling beside him in class. Or up against a locker, in his arms- that wasn't his thought. It was the Asians.

"You're right. We have to hunt down the Asians and get them to make us straight again," Craig said monotonically. He extended his hand to Tweek, who stared at it in confusion. Craig continued, "We can still pretend for now. I want to get the new rock band."

He wasn't sure why he actually still wanted to hold Tweek's hand. Probably it was the Asians that made Tweek's hand feel so good up against his own. It definitely wasn't any innate gayness. But he couldn't help but smile a little as Tweek's trembling hand was enclosed in his. Inwardly, of course. And not very much. He still gave very few fucks.

"Want to ditch school and go to Stark's Pond? We won't get in trouble if we're being gay."

"GAh-ok, but just acting gay, right?" Tweek asked nervously.

"Ya. Just acting gay," Craig said, pulling his reluctant fake-lover out of the school and towards the pond. As they walked, Craig realized that his middle finger was still out in front of him. He put his hand down by his side. His favorite gesture was more meaningful if he saved it for when it was truly necessary.

"C-Craig?" Tweek asked.

"Yea?" the taller boy replied.

"Since-Since the Asians may be making us gay anyways, do you think-GAH, do you think it wouldn't really be gay if we kissed again?"  
Craig considered this. If they weren't in control of their actions, then it wouldn't really be them being gay. It would be the Asian girls being gay by making them be gay. They wouldn't have any responsibility over their actions.

"No, it wouldn't be gay," he responded in a controlled tone.

"GAh-good," Tweek said, staring at him expectantly. Craig decided to humor him and stopped walking. He pulled Tweek up against him and their lips met again. Craig crushed Tweek's body up against his own, and attacked him with his lips. Tweek met his embrace eagerly, running his hands up and down Craig's back as they kissed. Craig had never felt like this while kissing a girl. Must be the damned Asian curse. There was nothing around Craig except for Tweek Tweak right now. The shivering blond was the world, in a non-gay, friendly way. Craig felt a stirring of arousal in his groin as their tongues met, and bodies melded together. After a while, it could have been a moment or a century, Craig wasn't sure, Tweak broke the embrace. Craig stared down into his beautiful blue eyes. He wasn't sure when Tweak had stopped shaking, but he wasn't shaking now. He was smiling again.

"Let's make it to Stark's Pond and we can do that again there. While the Asians still have us trapped. To see how badly they've trapped us. We can hunt them down and make them reverse it tomorrow."

That sounded pretty reasonable to Craig, so he took Tweek's hand again and led him towards the lake in a comfortable silence.


	3. Chapter 3

Craig awoke to the sound of his phone ringing. He looked at the clock and cursed to himself. 3:42 am. Who the hell was bothering him at 3:42 am? He blearily grappled for his phone, eventually landing a hand on it.

"Who the hell is this?" he asked a little sullenly.

"CRAAAIG! THE WAR WITH THE GIRLS. IT STARTED WITH THE ASIANS, CRAIG! THE ASIANS DID THIS!" Butters' voice was shrill and dramatic. They weren't friends. What the fuck was this little asshole doing bothering him past midnight?

"Why should I care?" Craig's voice was back to its usual sarcastic stoic tone, now that he'd woken up a little.

"TWEEEEK. HE TOLD ME THAT YOU WERE GOING AFTER THE ASIANS. I did a little digging around about the Asians, see. Stan's dad knows about them. It all started with the rape of Don King! And ever since, the Chinese have been going around choosing people to be gay! But you know what I think? I think they choose the ones they like to make gay. Well, because the Asian girls are like all the other girls. They want to punish us for being boys! They want to rip our hearts out and stomp around on them until they explode, and get heart juice all over the place. Well I'll tell you what, Craig. No boy is safe. Not even the gay ones. Like I told you earlier, we have got to make a stand. You can't just go after the Asians, Craig. We have to make sure that everyone knows we aren't second class citizens just because we've got wieners. We have to pull 'em out and make sure everyone knows that we ain't ashamed of them."

"Don't say the word wiener. It makes you sound gay," Craig said. He wasn't exactly sure what the weirdo was rambling about, but at least he had a lead that the Asians might really be what was behind his almost gayness. Not that it was real gayness. Kissing Tweek didn't make him gay.

"Oh, uh, I'm sorry to be appropriating homosexual culture, Craig. I think you're stunning and brave."

Craig rolled his eyes so hard he thought they were going to burst out of his head.

Butters continued, "But all I'm saying is, we have to protest. This is an all out war against our gender, and the girls would rather see us dead than give us any kind of power. We're all going to pull our wieners out at the girl's volleyball game tomorrow. And you and Tweek have to stand with us. To show that even gay guys aren't ok with what the girls are doing. Charlotte-Charlotte broke my heart, Craig. A lot of the other guys are in the same boat. Girls need to learn that they can't just do that to us. It's not right."

Craig considered for a moment, then replied, "If I say we'll do it, will you let me go to sleep?"

"Well, of course, buddy!" Butters exclaimed, as if he hadn't woken Craig up at this ungodly hour to begin with.

"Fine. I'll do it." Craig hung up without giving Butters a chance to respond. He rolled over and passed out the second his head hit the pillow.

 _Ring ring ring._

Craig grabbed the phone furiously and spoke into it in a deadly calm voice.

"Someone had better be dead, Butters, because if they're not, you will be tomorrow."

"I-It's not Butters! GaH, it's me, Craig! Butters said that-that-ARGH- that we were pulling our-WAh dicks out tomorrow? I don't want to pull my dick out! TOO MUCH P-PRESSURE! AGH!" Craig hadn't heard Tweek this agitated in a long time. He frowned to himself.

"Calm the hell down, Tweek, it'll be ok. I'll be right there next to you. We have to do this. Once we're straight again, we will need to have made a stand with the other straight guys. Otherwise, they'll hate us. Also Butters was saying something about Asians causing this? Maybe pulling our dicks out will be a way to stand up to the Asians. This could work."

"But I don't want people seeing-AH- seeing my dick, Craig! Everyone will be staring, and watching me! GAH! Pressure! W-what if it's smaller than everyone else's? What if everyone makes fun of me and AH! And what if I have a small dick? What then?"

"I'm sure your dick is fine, Tweek," Craig said wearily, looking longingly at his pillow.

"R-Really? GAH- ok, Craig, I trust you. But you stay right next to me alright?"

"I promise. See you tomorrow."

Craig hung up on Tweek, still annoyed at his lack of sleep. Stripe was squealing in excitement over the phone calls. The wood shavings in his cage were falling onto the floor like confetti as the guinea pig ran around, certain it was morning. Craig sighed. Clearly he hadn't been destined to sleep tonight. He got Stripe out, and stroked him comfortingly. He thought about the craziness he'd be participating in today and shook his head. Maybe participating in it after a sleepless night would make it easier.

The gym started to quiet down as the National Anthem began. Tweek was shaking violently next to him, in the crowded bleachers. Craig squeezed his arm reassuringly and turned back to look across the stadium. Butters was the first to drop his pants. He had his arm up in the air, clenched in a fist like some kind of old army general. Craig avoided staring at his crotch, afraid that the sight of a naked cock would bring out the Asian's curse in him. He looked over at Tweek, who was putting on a brave face. In unison they pulled down their pants and threw one fist into the air. Tweek was looking anywhere but at him. Craig couldn't stop his glance from running down Tweek's body. He realized that Tweek's fears about size had been entirely unfounded, and quickly glanced away, afraid that his arousal would be far too obvious while he was this exposed.

Craig heard the murmurs of the crowd around him, but to his shock, the Anthem kept on playing, and no one tried to cover up the teenaged boys that were displaying their crown jewels for the whole gymnasium to see. Everyone was acting like this was just another normal protest. _I guess the world is pretty messed up right now. A year ago, if I'd have known I could pull my dick out in a full auditorium and not get in trouble, I would have been so happy,_ Craig thought to himself. As the Anthem ended, the boys slowly slipped their pants back up, and exited the gym. There was no reason to stay for the boring part of the game. He didn't remember grabbing it, but Tweek's hand was somehow in his again as they walked.

"Thanks for staying with me, Craig," Tweek said with a weak smile.

"You ok, dude?" Craig asked, a little concerned. Tweek looked pretty calm, but he knew this display would have been quite the ordeal for his friend.

"Yeah, I'm ok." Tweek was blushing a little bit. "But I think we need to-ARGH! Make the Asians reverse this pretty soon. Before either of us does something we'd re-regret."

Craig felt another surge of arousal as he realized what the blond meant, and scowled at his body in his mind.

"Agreed. Tomorrow, then."

Tweek, still blushing, pulled Craig out the doors of the high school and planted a kiss on his lips. Before Craig had time to react, he was gone, running towards the direction of his neighborhood. Craig shook his head and kept walking.


	4. Chapter 4

Tweek was waiting at their meeting spot as if it were a normal school day. And Craig supposed it was, for everyone else. For them, it was the day that they would finally confront the Asians and destroy the curse that lingered over them. Craig wondered what would change once it was reversed. Could Tweek still be his best friend? Could they still play videogames together and talk about how great Stripe was? Would they still hold hands on the way to school and pretend they were gay for money, or would all of that be over? Craig was a little sad that he might lose Tweek completely. He had never been this close to anyone before, and it was liberating and terrifying at the same time. He didn't even know you could care about friends this much. Maybe things could remain the same, but they would only like girls. They could talk about girls instead of making out by Stark's Pond.

"Hey," he said, and gave Tweek a rare smile. He was always pretty happy to see the blond these days, and he figured he should enjoy that feeling, just in case it went away after the Asians fixed them.

"H-hey yourself, Craig," Tweek said returning his smile and holding out his hand.

"Are you ready to do this?" Craig asked, keeping his apprehension carefully out of his voice. Tweek's face fell a little bit, and some of his facial muscles were twitching. Craig supposed that he must be pretty nervous. The shorter boy didn't like confrontation, and the group of Asian girls in their grade were intimidating to most of the boys who weren't as anxious as Tweek.

"Hey, it'll be alright, man. It'll all be over soon. We just have to talk to the Asians and then things can go back to the way they were," Craig said, hoping to comfort his friend. But for some reason, Tweek looked even more miserable than before. He did give Craig a small nod, though. Or maybe it was just a twitch. Craig sighed, and took his shaking hand in his own. Maybe that would calm him down. They began their long trek to the high school. Tweek was staring around nervously. He had been so jumpy the last few days. Craig hoped that he would calm down again once they could just be friends. He squeezed Tweek's hand gently. There was no way the Asians could make him forget that he friend-loved Tweek, could they? He didn't want to abandon Tweek when he knew he was one of the reasons the boy had been so much calmer lately, even when he drank ten cups of coffee a day. Craig was pretty proud of his part in Tweek's transformation. He couldn't bear the thought of his efforts going to waste.

They travelled down the bustling streets of South Park's neighborhoods. There were a lot of Hillary/Kaine signs in the lawns, and a few Garrison/Jenner signs that had been torn and graffitied. South Park was trying pretty hard to distance itself from the presidential candidate it had birthed, and Craig snorted to himself. They were all hypocrites. So many of them had supported Garrison before the latest scandals. Even with his past. But now that WOMEN were affected by the shit he was spouting, oh, that was too far. _Girls hating us guys again, even on a national level. And Garrison is not helping with that. Fuck that guy. Maybe someday I'll want to marry Tweek! He'd try to stop that. Wait. Other gay guys. I mean. Gay guys. That want to get married. Should be able to. Not me. Fucking asians._ Craig scowled at the lack of control of his thoughts, and pulled Tweek along. His hand seemed to be the only thing keeping Tweek on his feet as they rambled on towards the school. The other boy was shaking violently, now, to the point where he could barely walk. Craig saw the school pop up in front of them, and pulled Tweek to the side of the entrance.

"What's wrong, Tweek?" he asked.

"I-I just don't want the Asians to change me, man! AH! What-WHAT IF THEY MAKE US HATE EACH OTHER? I CAN'T DEAL WITH THE PRESSURE-AH!, CRAIG, I DON'T WANT-AH! TO HATE YOU." His voice was trembling, and he almost seemed to be on the verge of tears. Craig pulled him into a tight embrace. A friendly embrace, he thought, as he felt Tweek's slim body enclosed by his own more muscular one. Tweek smelled so enticing. Craig had grown to love the smell of coffee, mixed with the smell of peppermint, and something sweeter. He buried his face in Tweek's hair on instinct and inhaled the smell of him. His hands moved lower, gripping Tweek's ass firmly. A friendly ass-grab. _Stop it,_ he told himself. He shook the smell of Tweek away from his nose and stepped back from the blond.

"Er- I won't hate you, Tweek. We can just be friends again. We can still hang out. You still have to learn how to hold Stripe," he explained. Tweek had calmed down a little. Or at least he had stopped trembling as much; he was looking rather flustered for a different reason.

Craig had the urge to kiss him again, and figured it couldn't do any harm. They would go meet the Asians in just a few minutes now, so they might as well not struggle against the curse while it was still upon them. He grabbed Tweek by his small behind and pulled him close, kissing him. He wasn't sure if he would be able to stop. Tweek's lips were so soft, and his hands burned as they touched him. He wanted more. He needed more. Greedily, he pulled Tweek into him, hearing a shocked squeak as he did. His hands roamed up to Tweek's hair and he pulled it slightly to get a better grip on the other boy. Tweek let out a surprised moan, and Craig stopped, stunned out of the spell he seemed to fall into every time he touched Tweek these days. He had never heard Tweek make that noise before, and he felt something hard up against his leg. He could barely control his own arousal, and knew that they had to get to the Asians as soon as they could.

He pulled away from Tweek, but grabbed his hand and led him towards the back of the school where he knew their quarry liked to hang out. A bunch of the new Asian students were sitting in a circle, chatting as they drew in sketchpads. Probably more Yaoi art that would curse others to be gay. Craig recognized Kelly and Lisa among the girls.

"Kelly! Lisa! Come over here," Craig called out calmly. The two broke off from the group, and walked over to Tweek and Craig smiling.

"Hello, boys," Kelly said, "I'm so glad you're still enjoying each others' company. You're an inspiration to all of us."

"Right. We need you to make us not gay," Craig said with no preamble. The two girls looked at each other.

"What?" they asked in unison.

"You heard me. We need you to make us not gay. You drew pictures of us together and cast an Asian curse that made us gay. We need you to undo it." Beside him, Tweek was trembling and twitching again. They needed to get this over with fast.

"I can't just MAKE someone not gay, Craig. You were born how you are. I can't change that," Lisa explained patronisingly.

"This right here is why no one likes you," Craig stated, trying not to let too much of his anger out. He was a stoic afterall. "You go around making guys gay, and turning the girls and the guys against each other, and casting your stupid Asian curses all over the school. This is why no one ever wants to hang out with you."

Kelly and Lisa stared at him, then each other. Their eyes were narrowed.

"Excuse us for a moment please," Kelly said, pulling Lisa back a few feet. The girls whispered behind their hands, stealing glances at the boys. Kelly said something that made Lisa angry, and they two started raising their voices, arguing rapidly in one of the Asian languages.

Finally, Lisa glared and said, "Fine!" The two headed back towards the boys.

"We have agreed to tell you a long-kept secret because we have grown to like you while drawing you," Kelly began, with a triumphant smirk. Lisa glowered beside her. "We don't decide who to draw. Our orders come down from someone else. We are at the bottom of the chain of command. If there is a curse, as you say, we don't know about it. We just draw who the Leader says to draw."

"AH-Who's the leader, Man?" Tweek asked, his eyes darting around them, looking for the mysterious Leader in the trees.

"We aren't sure. But we know that he leaves messages for us in the Tower of Peace, by the City Wok," Kelly lowered her voice into a conspiratorial whisper. "My mother says that this is how it has always been. We have always drawn who the Leader says to draw, and asked no questions. Head to the Tower of Peace. You may find the answers you seek with the Mongolians who guard the tower."

Craig sighed. He always seemed to get sucked into quests that he had no interest in. He just wanted a simple end to the Asian curse. Frowning mildly, he led Tweek into the school for class as the bell rang. They would have to go to the Tower after school.


	5. Chapter 5

"Cool. Now what?" asked Craig, staring at the locked door to the Tower of Peace.

"I don't know, man. Maybe we just go home? The Asians were-were probably lying anyways. AH!" Tweek said apprehensively.

"No. I don't want to be gay anymore, Tweek. And you don't either. We can't give up." Craig watched Tweek's expression shift again, from nervous to sad, and then quickly back. That was weird. Maybe Craig was just reading him wrong.

"GaH, alright, Craig, but the door is locked! We-we can't get in without breaking the law! We'd be-AH!-CRIMINALS!" Tweek screeched. Craig put his arms around the twitching mess of Tweek, and planted a kiss on him. Just to shut him up, of course.

"We'll text Kenny. He knows how to pick locks. We'll have him do it. Then we won't get in trouble," Craig explained rationally. Tweek nodded and pulled out his phone to text their friend. The two sat down and waited in silence for Kenny to show up and fix their problem. Tweek looked a little sad again, so Craig took his hand. For once, this didn't seem to help very much. Craig frowned at him, as if he was a puzzle that was difficult to solve.

"Mmmmf gssss." Craig looked up to see Kenny standing above them.

"Hey Kenny. Can you get this door open? We'll give you $5.00."

"Mmmmrr shhhng," Kenny replied, pulling some dangerous looking metal tools out of his jacket.

"T-Thanks, man. AH!" said Tweek. Kenny fiddled with the door for a few minutes. Then Craig heard an ominous click and knew it was time to change his fate. He gulped.

"Mmmmfff cmmmmfng wmmf ym gsss," Kenny stated, assertively.

"No, Kenny, you can't come with us. This is something we have to do alone," Craig explained.

"MMMMF CMGF WTH. FMMMF YM, CRMMMF!"

"No, fuck you, Kenny."

"FMMF YM, CRMMF! MM OMMEMED MM DMMR"

"Oh my god. Fine. You can come with us," Craig said, in a deadpan voice. "Come on, Tweek, let's get this over with." He opened the big red door into the tower. It made a loud creaking sound as if warning them to turn back. The inside of the tower was dark, with large shutters over the windows. He could barely make out anything, aside from a staircase ahead of him. Craig pulled out his phone to use the flashlight app. His other hand instinctively reached for Tweek's as they stepped into the room. The door slammed behind them, and all three boys jumped and stared.

"GaH! No way out now, man, this is way too much pressure! We're going to be stuck here forever and turned into-into Asians!" Tweek gasped, squeezing Craig's hand enough that it felt like it was breaking.

"Mmmf mmmern mmnmm ammsmms, dmmmm mmms." Kenny said pretentiously.

"Kenny's right. They can't turn us into Asians. The worst thing they could do is Kamikaze us."

"K-KAMIKAZE US? That's way worse! GAH! I DON'T WANT TO BE KAMIKAZIED! I JUST WANT TO GO HOME!" Tweek looked like he was about to cry. Craig looked at him worriedly for a moment, before leading him forward. He understood why the blond was freaked out. There was something distinctly eerie about this place. With his flashlight on, he could make out some paper lanterns hanging from the ceiling, and they appeared to be moving even though the air was dead still. Shadows of chests that he hadn't noticed before grew and shrank in the light of Craig's phone, almost appearing to be following them. He gulped.

"We need to go upstairs. There isn't anything here."

Kenny nodded, and Tweek shook affirmatively, holding Craig's hand with both of his own.

Together, the three boys climbed up the stairs to the next level. There wasn't anyone here either, but it was a little lighter. Craig could make out some words on the walls, written in some ancient lost language. Or at least a language that wasn't english. There were Samurai swords hanging on the walls, and suits of armour with dragons engraved in them. Kenny reached up to take a sword.

"Kenny, what the hell are you doing?" Craig asked mildly.

"Mmmph Pmmmcmm, dmm," Kenny said.

"GAH! Craig, protection is a good idea, dude!" Tweek said in a small voice.

"Fine, but hurry." Craig glared at Kenny. As the other boy took the sword down from the wall, Craig and Tweek held their breaths, waiting for a ghost to appear and take revenge on them for desecrating his belongings, but none did. Craig let out a sigh, and headed for the next flight of stairs, dragging a reluctant Tweak behind him. But there was something blocking the entrance to this room. Or someone. He shined his phone onto the dark blob and gasped.

"Cartman? What are you doing here?" Craig asked, astounded.

"Oh Heidi and I come here all the time. We're not on twitter anymore, so no one seems to care what we do. We can break into places and not get in trouble. It's totally awesome, right babe?" The blob split into two and Craig recognized Heidi Turner there as well.

"Right, babe. It's a good place to go to get away from all the pressures of society's predetermined roles, huh baby?"  
"It is indeed," Cartman said, self-importantly. "I suppose that's why you three are here? To get away from society's shaming of homosexual threesomes? That was a smart choice."

"Gah!" Tweek said, surprised.

"No, asshole, we're looking for Asians. Have you seen any? How did you even get up all these stairs, fatass?"

"Mmmph mpgr mmff mft!" Kenny said, and everyone but Cartman and Heidi laughed.

"I see. And why are you looking for Asians? I'm not sure if I can help someone who body shames so cruelly, Craig," Cartman said, glaring at them from the darkness.

"We need to find the Asian who leaves messages on top of this tower for the Asian girls so that Tweek and I can stop being gay and be normal. Now stop blocking the door and let us up, if you're not going to help, fatass," Craig stated.

"Hmm you want to stop being gay? I'm afraid I can't let you do that, boys. We need gay people in this town. It leads to diversity and acceptance. Without people like you, this town would fall apart. Right, honey?" Cartman looked at Heidi expectantly.

"Right, honey," she echoed. "Your love is beautiful and brave, and you should stop being so homophobic."

"GAH! We're not homophobic! We-we aren't GAY! We just pretended to be, but-but then the ASIANS GOT US!" Tweek said, eyes darting around the dark room. Kenny stepped forward with the sword and made a threatening noise.

"Kenny, violence is never the answer," Cartman said, stepping back from the door. "Put the sword down and let's talk about this." Kenny stepped forward, chasing Cartman around the room. The other boys stepped in, now that the doorway was clear. They watched the ruckus with wide eyes. Kenny was running faster now, gaining on Eric. Craig wondered if he would actually hurt the fat boy or if he was just having fun scaring him.

"Kinnnnnnyy, stop it!" Cartman whined, blundering around the room. Suddenly, Kenny slipped on a loose floorboard and fell forward.

"No, Kenny!" Tweek gasped, as the other boy was impaled by his sword. "You-You killed Kenny!"

"You Bastards, I didn't kill him, he killed himself," Cartman said, looking shaken. "Don't tell on me. Please. Come on, I'll help you out. Let's go to the top of that tower and find the Asian guy."

Tweek turned and embraced Craig hard. Craig heard a small sob escape into his chest as the blond boy tried to get himself under control.

"He's right. We have to finish this. It's what Kenny would have wanted," Heidi said.

Craig sighed.

"Fine. But if you two fuck anything else up, I am going home." The group walked up the last flight of stairs, through a trap door, until they were thrown back into the bright daylight. The last floor of the tower was apparently on the roof. Craig looked around the ornate room. Gold and red lanterns were hung across the railing, their brightness in stark contrast to the rest of the tower. A green Chinese dragon was suspended above them, glaring down at the trespassers. Near the center of the room was what looked like an altar, painted in red and gold colors, with a box attached to it. Craig walked up to the box and opened it, while the others hung back. Inside was a scroll, written on old parchment and sealed by a ribbon wrapped around it. He glanced back at Tweek, who was shivering besides Heidi. Carefully, he opened the paper, and allowed his eyebrows to raise slightly in surprise as he read.

 _Hello, Craig and Tweek,_

 _I've been expecting you for some time now. You wish to know what power Yaoi has, what has made you gay. You wish to know the deep truths about yourself, and why assholes like Garrison exist. I can help you with all of those things. I can return you to your former states. Go to the parking lot behind the City Wok and I will give you the answers to everything you want to know._

 _-S._

 _P.S. Kenny is in a better place now._

"S?" Tweek asked. "Who's S?"  
"Well it looks like we have another quest to do in order to find out," said Craig sarcastically. "Yay."


	6. Chapter 6

The boys stared up at the tacky faux-Asian decor of the City Wok. Somehow the building looked more sinister than it ever had before. Not because Craig was nervous or anything. Because he had nothing to be nervous about. But still. Meeting a stranger in a parking lot behind a shitty Chinese restaurant wasn't exactly the most typical of situations, and maybe just a few nerves were understandable.

"Where do you think he is?" Craig asked Tweek.

"Maybe he decided not to show up!" Tweek said, a little too hopefully. Craig looked at him curiously. Tweek couldn't want to stay gay, could he? There was no way, Craig thought. He had reacted worse than Craig last time they met with PC Principal. He was probably just nervous about meeting a stranger for the first time.

"Do you think he'll be in a car? Or just like standing around looking for us?" asked Craig. Tweek's face furrowed up a little at the thought of these possibilities.

"Gah! I don't know!" he said nervously.

"I guess we'll find out. Let's sit down while we wait." he led them over to the curb and sat down, putting an arm around Tweek's shoulders to keep him calm.

"What's the first thing you're going to do when you're straight?" Tweek asked in a voice barely above a whisper. Craig thought about it. He wasn't sure. Would he feel all that differently when he was straight? Right now he just wanted Tweek to go over to his house with him and Stripe. He wanted to hold the blond until all of his twitching and shivering stopped. And then for a while after that.

Outloud, he said, "I don't know. Probably kiss a girl or something. What about you?"

"GaH! I don't know. Probably the same things I was going to do anyways."

"Which were?"

"Hang out with you and watch Terrence and Phillip," Tweek said, then a cloud of worry passed over his face. "If-If that's ok with you. AH!" Craig smiled a little at that. Not because he LIKE liked Tweek, but because their friendship would still be around. Of course.

"That sounds like a good day, Tweek. It's a da….plan."

"PSST"

Tweek jumped a little at the sudden noise. The boys looked into the parking lot. Near the middle of the lot, behind a large black car, Craig thought he saw a pair of horns poking up. He frowned a little and took Tweek's hand.

"PSST!"

The horns poked up from behind the car for a moment.

"Let's go."

"GAh! What is that? A-a goat? I DON'T LIKE GOATS, CRAIG!"

"It's not a goat. I don't know what it is. But the sooner we get this over with the sooner we can watch Terrence and Phillip," Craig explained, tugging on Tweek's hand until he started moving again, reluctantly, in the direction of the horns.

As they moved closer, Craig was able to see behind the cars enough to realize that the mysterious psster was very tall. And very wide. And red. That was interesting. S. Who did they know that was red with an S name?

"GAH! IT'S SATAN!" Tweek stopped in his tracks, terrified. It was Satan. But he didn't look particularly menacing. He just looked like an out-of-shape middle aged dude, with a nervous smile on his face.

"It's ok, boys, I'm not going to hurt you. But I'm not really supposed to be up on the surface right now, so let's talk in the car. I got in a fight with Jesus," he looked around furtively and got into the front seat. The boys looked at each other and cautiously got into the back of the car.

"Ah, much better. It's nice to finally meet you, Craig and Tweek. I've been watching you for a long time. Since you were little."

Tweek looked a little creeped out, so Craig took his hand again.

"Why did you tell the Asians to make us gay?" he asked calmly.

"Oh, uh, right to the point. Ok." Satan shifted in his seat uncomfortably. "Well, boys, Asians don't actually make people gay."

"Yes they do. We talked to them and they said they make boys gay. They said that someone leaves notes with the target boys' names on them." Craig wasn't in the mood to deal with any more denial of the truth. He knew the last few days had taken quite a toll on Tweek, and he just wanted this ordeal to be over with.

"No, no. The yaoi art doesn't actually make anyone gay, Craig. I did leave the notes. But I leave the names of people who are already gay. I like to take an active role in the lives of gay teens, since I was one once myself. And, have you seen the stuff those Asian girls draw? It's so cute. It makes me think of Saddam," Satan said with a happy sigh, his eyes glazing over at the thought of some lover or another. After a few moments he shook himself out of his reverie and continued, "So you see, boys? You were already gay. You just didn't realize it until the Asians started drawing you. And you never would have realized that you were perfect for each other if I hadn't intervened."

Craig looked at Tweek, horrified, and dropped his hand.

"But the note said you could restore us to our former selves! Can you still make us straight?"

Satan smiled a little. "That was an old Devil's trick called me lying to you. I wanted you to actually show up so you could realize your destiny is to be together. Trust me. I've been in a lot of relationships, so I know what I'm talking about. I can't make you straight, boys. I just wanted to give you some hope for the future. Gay relationships can be tough in your world, but they can be worth it. You have a whole host of devilish supporters in the Underworld."

"WHAT! WE-WE'RE GAY? GAH TOO MUCH PRESSURE! WHAT DO WE DO NOW? WHAT-WHAT DO WE DO, SATAN?" Tweek screeched, eyes darting around wildly.

"You can do whatever you want to, my child," Satan said, bemused. "You don't have to do anything differently now that you know you're gay."

Craig wasn't really sure what Satan was saying now. The world faded out around him, and the only thing he could hear was the mantra inside of his head. "You're gay, you're gay, you're gay, you're gay!" He couldn't be gay, right? He just liked Tweek as a friend. A friend who had a glorious ass and who he liked kissing. But that was normal! Boys experiment. That didn't mean he was...gay… did it?

"... wouldn't you agree, Craig?" Satan was saying. Craig suddenly flipped the Devil off with both of his hands, because he didn't know what else to do. Suddenly, he was outside of the car. He was running, but he didn't know where he was running to, just what he was running from. How dare they try to say he was gay?

Behind him, Craig heard Tweek calling his name, but he knew he couldn't stop. He couldn't face Tweek now that he might be gay. He kept running, and running, until he couldn't run anymore. He collapsed to the ground, not caring what happened anymore.


	7. Chapter 7

Craig lay on his back, breathing hard, finally letting his thoughts catch up to him. Ok, so maybe he occasionally had thoughts about doing things with Tweek. Bad, immoral things. That turned him on more than he cared to admit. Maybe he loved the feeling of Tweek's soft hair against his face. But everybody had intrusive thoughts sometimes. It didn't mean anything necessarily. Craig thought of the gay people he knew and shuddered. Mr. Garrison was a crazy fanatical orange loon that was running for president. He was positive he wasn't anything like Mr. Garrison. Was he? No, he wasn't that bad. Mr. Slave and Big Gay Al were pretty cool, but Craig wasn't really anything like them either. So he couldn't be gay. Gay guys liked picking out flowers, or shoving gerbils up their asses. He liked playing football and taking care of Stripe and cooking. Was cooking gay? He would have to stop doing that.

He couldn't explain away his feelings for Tweek, though. Every time he saw the other boy, a smile and a hundred emotions rose up to his head. He wanted to protect Tweek, and make sure that he was ok. He wanted to hold him, and to tell him all of his secrets. He wanted to kiss him up against a wall, feeling him grow hard… in a platonic way. Damnit, that wasn't very platonic at all. Ok, so maybe he liked Tweek. He did like Tweek. A lot. But that didn't mean he was gay. He didn't have to like BOYS, just Tweek. Tweek was just his person. Craig smiled at this realisation. It was ok to like a boy. Just not all boys.

Then he frowned again. But Tweek didn't like him like that. He had been so eager to find a cure for their homosexual thoughts. He never really initiated contact, he just went along with what Craig wanted to do. Craig felt unbearably guilty for a moment, thinking about how he might have made Tweek do things he didn't want to do against his will. If he had hurt Tweek, even accidentally, he didn't think he'd ever be able to forgive himself. The best thing to do was probably just to end their friendship, for Tweek's sake.

He looked up, startled, as the noise of a crowd hit him. The street in front of him was filled with an angry mob, chasing someone down the lane. He saw the orange mass at their head, and realized it was Mr. Garrison. He frowned in confusion as they ran past him, not noticing the teenager laying down watching them. Craig heard one of them yell something about grabbing Garrison by the pussy, but he couldn't make out any other words. He shook his head, amused. Leave it to Garrison to get a mob following to try to kill him. Then the stragglers of the mob passed, and the smile fell from Craig's face as he noticed Tweek across the street from him, watching the same parade he had been watching.

Tweek walked over to him the way one would approach an injured animal. Slowly, with his hands up, he headed towards Craig, sitting in the grass near him when he was about three feet away. Those gorgeous blue eyes were staring at him, and Craig looked away in shame.

"I'm sorry, Tweek. I never meant to get you tangled up in this. I just wanted to be normal again."

"Craig, this is m-my normal. I've known I was gay for a while now. Ever-ever since the fake breakup we did to get the Asians to leave us alone. Y-you woke something up in me. You m-make me want to be brave, and w-want to t-try. You calm me down, but I-I'm still so excited to be around y-you. I w-want to help you with everything you're going through, C-Craig," his big blue eyes were shining, and he wasn't twitching very much. Craig thought about how beautiful he was.

He didn't normally think of guys as beautiful, but Tweek, well. His eyes shone out from his messy curtain of golden blond hair, and he almost looked like a fairy, sitting in the grass like that.

"Tweek, this whole relationship, everything has been fake. We got thrown together by some meddling asshole. That doesn't mean we're meant to be together," Craig said. He quickly added, "And I'm not gay."

"I know what this relationship was," Tweek said, stubbornly sticking out his jaw. His voice was steadier than Craig had ever heard it be before. "But I also know you now. I know that you have feelings underneath your act. I know you care about Stripe, and your sister."

Craig nodded slightly, acknowledging his point. "Having feelings doesn't make me gay, Tweek."

Tweek chuckled a little. "Kissing someone the way you kiss me… well a straight guy wouldn't do that, Craig. Look, you might not be ready for this. You might not want this at all. Maybe you could keep hunting for a cure for being gay. But this is who I am, Craig. And just so you know, I-I think I'm in love with you."

Craig's heart exploded at that, and the last bits of restraint he had been hanging on to were suddenly gone. He sat up and scooted closer to Tweek.

"I'm not gay. I just like you," he warned, staring Tweek down. "And that could change. I don't know how long gay feelings usually last for straight people."

Tweek grinned mischievously, as if knowing he was making progress. "How much do you like me?"

Craig sighed. "Fine. Tweek, I think I love you too. But that doesn't mean-" The rest of his sentence was cut off, as the blond leaped on top of him, pushing Craig into the grass as he kissed him. Tweek's hands were buried in Craig's hair, and Craig's hands had found Tweek's ass again, feeling less guilty about it this time as he groped the shorter boy, loving the feeling of Tweek pressing down against him, moving with him, loving him. They were in a very public place, he realized, but he didn't care. He kissed Tweek like the world was ending. Like Tweek was the only other person in the world. He let himself get lost in Tweek, holding him tighter than he ever had before. Tweek was his anchor and his wings, and he was the only person that mattered. And he didn't have to be gay to fall in love with someone like Tweek. Who wouldn't, afterall?

After a few moments, Tweek got up and pulled him to his feet. "W-want to go play with Stripe?"

Craig grinned, happier than he could remember feeling. "Yeah, you've got to learn how to hold him today. Come on."

He grabbed Tweek's hand in a pretty gay way, and started leading them back towards his house. Tweek wasn't twitching at all, and he looked content. A couple ahead of them was whispering behind their hands and smiling at the two boys. Tweek raised his free hand up into a gesture that he'd never made before, and Craig raised his own middle finger high in solidarity, proud of his… boyfriend? Lover? But not gay lover, of course. The couple stopped smiling, and averted their eyes. Craig could have sworn he heard a voice from far below the streets saying "Awww," so he flipped the general direction of hell off, just in case Satan was getting any more meddling ideas.

The two carried on, holding each other up by the hand, finally together in more than just a farce. Craig said a quick prayer of thanks to the Asians for the stupid drawings they had done. He opened the door to his house and led his Tweek upstairs for some very important guinea pig tending.


End file.
